The crew is gearing up for a trip to Smith this weekend (I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait)... the weather looks good, we've got a perfect group of friends to climb with, and three whole days of climbing thanks to taking Friday off. We happen to be there at the same time as the Alpinist Film Festival, so hopefully Friday everybody will be watching movies about climbing while we're climbing. Tempting to go watch movies, but it's been so long since I've been outside (weeks!) that all I can think about is getting to some real rock.
The last time we were at Smith, I had a great time leading ... did a lot of easy leads (1) because it was fun; and (2) to try to build my confidence a bit. I got a little overly confident and got on a 10a (Irreverence, New Testament Slab, Christian Brothers Area) and scared myself silly. I was on lead placing draws with the first bolt stick clipped. I moved above the first bolt and almost reached the second, but got stuck about a foot shy of the second bolt. Several times, I climbed up to try to make a move and got stuck; then I'd downclimb to a rest and try to pull myself together and come up with a plan or a different approach. After several attempts, I returned to my high point and had nothing left. I was too afraid to make a move, and too afraid to fall. I did an inelegant, tiring, and sketchy downclimb as low as I could get before taking about a foot and a half fall onto my bolt, at which point I had a mini panic attack and decided to call it a day on that particular route.
Gear retrieval capable friends to the rescue!
What happened? I was so afraid of falling that I couldn't even get myself to try a move that I probably could have done... I've been spending so much time outside on easy stuff on lead, and toproping hard stuff (outside of my lead ability) that I'm not putting many vertical feet in on stuff that's at my lead level. I'd like to change that this weekend, and try to put in as much time as possible on 5.9s and 10as.
To get ready, I spent a day taking practice falls at the gym... it didn't get easy but it was good practice. I've also been working a variety of routes on lead and toprope, at and near my maximum difficulty, so that on occasion I surprise myself with a fall (so far, only on toprope -- I have only taken planned falls on lead... guess I should have done some practice unplanned falls on lead, but I'll make that a note to self to do some more of after this trip). Breathing makes a huge difference for me when I'm afraid... I always emphasize breathing while climbing, but I'm placing special emphasis on using my breath to calm myself when I get sketched or scared. Perhaps getting some oxygen to my brain during those times of stress will help with my decisionmaking.
Being afraid of falling is a self-preservation instinct... with a fall, you don't know what's going to happen. I always fear the worst, and I have a hard time, even after taking some practice falls, trusting that the worst may not happen. My bolt or gear should hold. I should fall away from the wall and not scrape myself up too badly. My rope is good condition. My belayer is trustworthy and will do his or her best to keep us both safe. I know all of these things.
Above all that, making the move is worth it. Nine times out of ten (or more - maybe more like 19 times out of 20), if I just suck it up and make the move, I'll make the move and not fall. And then I feel amazing, and strong, and fantastic, and like it's the best day and the best route ever. Worst case scenario, I fall. Big deal. Either way, it's better than working myself into a hyperventilating panic.
So, my goal for the weekend is to make the move. To trust myself, and take the risk. I'm going to breathe through my anxiety. When I reach the point where my brain says "I'm scared, 'Take,'" or "I need to downclimb" I'm going to make a commitment to make the move instead. I'll let you know how it turns out...
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Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Fear of Falling
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7 comments:
Oh man, I completely relate with this post. Two years ago I had gotten to the point where I was no longer scared of the fall and would gladly take the whipper. It was great because I could climb at my full potential without the mental barriers holding me back. And then.... I got a bad catch and as a result broke my ankle. The ankle is now almost fully recovered, but my head is still messed up and I am so scared to fall. The only way to get over it (for me at least) are those exact practice falls you mentioned. Every time I go out, I find a nice steep climb, make sure I have a trusty belayer and just fall.... at least 5 times in a row. Sorry you are having the head troubles as well... I will sympathize from a distance.
I have the same thing with bouldering... I fell in January of 07 and got bone bruises in my ankle ... bone bruises SUCK. I just started bouldering again *yesterday* and I'm totally afraid to fall, but I did have a lot of fun. I'll try five falls -- last time I did falls I took four, and three and four were really hard. Glad, and not glad, to hear that I'm not the only one... :)
This post sums up my life for the past year. I am incredibly strong but my climbing is worst than ever because I am petrified of falling. I cannot do it on either a top tope or a lead and as a result I I never commit to the moves because l feel exactly how "rock climber girl" describes. it is silly because I can on-sight all these routes easily...so the last year has been one disappointing lead after another...UNTILL...I got Neil Gresham -top UK climber and coach- to coach me and help me get over that fear. I was very cynical about the whole coaching thing and i used it as a last resort after all else failed. I did one session at the gym with him and amazed (really AMAZED) myself with some seriously big whippers. He was brilliant and without me noticing it he built up my falls from tiny ones to huge ones till I started actually enjoying them (I know, I could not believe it)...back with my usual climbing partner, I am still scared but I now take small falls as opposed to none at all and I push myself harder and climb a grade or 2 higher. check him out, he is an amazing coach and without him, I would have never been able to cross that mental barrier. http://www.neilgresham.com
So, the saga continues... Last night in the gym I had the pleasure of climbing with A-mart, who encouraged me to lead harder than my typical comfort zone. His theory is that projecting on lead (as in, not toprope rehearsing, just jumping on, on lead, and taking the falls where they occur) is a step toward overcoming the fear of falling. I share this, not because I agree (the theory is, unfortunately, unproven for me since I was a chickensh*t most of last night and couldn't actually bring myself to take a fall) but because perhaps the more brave among you will latch onto the idea and give it a try and have some success. I did get on a climb I hadn't tried before, which was a grade harder than I typically lead, thinking I would try to project it on lead and take falls -- but I was just too scared so instead of taking falls I cheated to clip the draws and/or took. I'm going to work on it ... overall, I've made some progress on leading, so I don't want to backslide or scare myself too much, too fast.
I was also thinking about it last night -- I'm really picky ... too picky ... about my climbing partners. There are folks I trust with my life under any circumstances, and I don't even think about taking risks when they're on belay. Most of my climbing partners, though, I *know* I can trust, I *know* they're good belayers, I *know* they catch falls all the time -- but my level of trust is different. I did work on that piece last night... I got attached to the idea of a certain belayer while working aforementioned lead attempt, and almost didn't get back on it because that belayer wasn't available. I realized (quickly) that was stupid -- and that any of my climbing partners are going to do their best to keep me safe. I did get back on, on lead, with one of my other climbing partners and ultimately did send the route.
What's the take away? If you're up for it, try onsight projecting on lead. If you're not, continue to work on making good, quick self-corrections when your brain starts to spiral downward (e.g.... brain says... no, oh, can't do that, what if I fall, I wanted X to belay me... nip it in the bud. Take a deep breath, remind yourself that your climbing partners trust you to keep them safe and you can trust them to keep you safe. Trust your skills, take calculated risks, and know that it's worth it when you take the risk and make the move. The few times that you take the risk and don't make the move, your belayer will do their best to keep you safe).
I'm still working on it... will keep y'all posted as I go! Thanks for your comments...
Hi Sara, nice blog by the way. I think fear of falling is very common and I've been climbing for 3 years and I have yet taken more than 5 falls total in my climbing career :). I think if I can get over my mental block it would definitely help me be a better climber. I tried reading the 'Warrior Way' but somehow it's not helping me too much but maybe because I'm not trying too hard to fix this problem of mine. I tried 'Bad Fingers' in Smith last week and I have top-roped this before and cruise up the whole thing. But on lead, I placed like 4 pros total at the crux and I went up and down the crux (not past it) 3 times which I think uses more energy than actually doing the crux moves and end up hanging anyway because I just couldn't do it mentally. Good luck concurring this fear as I am trying to do the same too.
I totally relate to this: I always fear of making a move that can lead me into a fall. If if I know I'd probably be able to make it.
I'm not a rock climber. I'm a writer, but I climbed a few times, years ago. This is a really nice post by Sara, a great description of fear, and some wonderful writing. Congrats. I just posted something called "Fear of Falling" on my site, which maybe you'd like to see. It's at www.sullivanwords.com .
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